Steve's Story
by MBP
Summary: No one ever understood why Steve had the tendency to be such a jerk... except Soda. And Steve's really going to need all of his friends now. But Soda is the one who has a lot more to come to terms with than he realizes. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns The Outsiders

It's easy to understand why my brothers and I are so close. Even before our parents were killed in that car accident, we still had a better relationship than most siblings do. And after our parents died, I knew Darry was always trying to protect us, and Pony, well, when he understood that, we all got along much better. The only thing that sometimes caused some tension in our house was my friendship with Steve. I knew my brothers loved him as one of the guys because he'd always been around just like Dally, Johnny and Two-Bit, but they certainly didn't get along with him as well as they'd gotten along with Johnny, and he certainly isn't as funny as Two-Bit. But he's my best friend, and even though I know he sometimes drives the other two nuts, I know there's more to him than the other two see. Maybe that's because he trusts me enough by now, so I know why he feels like he has to act so hard and tough all the time… in the house he lives in, he really has no choice. The only time I'd seen him break was when we were all too late to save Dally, and none of us could keep it together that night... we lost two friends at once. Most of the time, though, Steve did a pretty good job of hiding whatever was bugging him. Most of the time...


	2. Chapter 2

I was watching TV alone for a change. Darry had gone to bed early (it was only 11), and Pony was finishing up some of his homework in the room we shared. None of the other guys were over, and I figured I'd just go to bed myself when this show ended, but then I heard the screen door bang.

I glanced up and was unsurprised to see Steve. What did surprise me was the black eye he was trying to hide. I couldn't hide the concern in my eyes, but I asked lightly,

"What happened to you, buddy? Meet up with some Soc's on your way over here?"

Steve shook his head abruptly and threw himself on the couch next to me. He didn't seem like he was planning on answering me anytime soon… if ever… so I turned back to the television, assuming he'd talk if he needed to. If I had to guess, I figured his old man had been beating up on him again. It happens a lot, and it kills Steve every time it does, but if there's anything he hates almost as much as dealing with his father, it's talking about it… which was why I was pretty surprised when he muttered, "He did it again."

"Yeah?" I was careful not to turn my head, and I kept looking at the screen.

He was quiet for another minute when he said, even lower than the first time, "I hit him back this time."

Without realizing what I was doing, I whipped my head around and looked right at Steve, who was still pretending to watch TV.

"You did WHAT?" I asked, trying to control my voice but only barely succeeding.

He continued staring straight ahead, so I reluctantly turned back, and once I was no longer looking at him, he said, "he kicked me out," and this time I detected the faintest tremor in his voice. I said quickly, "you know you can stay here."

"Thanks," he mumbled. He was staring down at his lap, so I turned off the TV and then slung my arm across his shoulders. Neither of us spoke, and after a few minutes, he cleared his throat and said brusquely, "I should just sleep on the couch?"

"Sure," I said. I got up and grabbed a blanket out of the closet. "Here, in case it gets cold."

Steve nodded and stretched out on the couch, sighing deeply. I turned off the light and went to bed. I knew I'd have a lot to talk about with my brothers in the morning. I wish I'd known then what the morning would bring.


	3. Chapter 3

I was awake early the next morning, and I didn't know why. I think that for some reason, I was more worried about Steve than I was willing to admit even to myself. I was also kind of worried about how my brothers would react to my inviting him to stay with us. I didn't know that this was about to become the least of my worries.

I had showered, dressed, and was in the kitchen, whipping up some instant batter for chocolate cake, when there was a knock at the front door. I waited a second to see if Steve would wake up and answer it, but then I heard the knock again a few minutes later. I sighed, wiped my hands on my jeans, and went out to see who it was. I glanced at Steve as I passed the couch and drew my breath in sharply. His black eye had developed nicely over the course of the night. I couldn't imagine how he could sleep through that pain, but I guess he's felt worse. Then I looked out the door and saw his mom. I wondered if he were about to feel a _lot_ worse. Glancing behind me at his sleeping form on the couch, I motioned for her to wait and I slipped out the door quietly so as not to wake him. I wanted to see why she was here first.

She looked worse than I'd ever seen her, and I felt a pang of sympathy. She's never been all that great to Steve either, but anyone is better than his dad, I guess. I motioned for her to take one of the seats on the porch, and I perched on the railing.

"Steve's sleeping on the couch," I said as politely as I could manage. "Is everything ok, Mrs. Randle?"

She shook her head, and I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. This was going to be bad. I've gotten this sense of when to expect the worst (from some pretty bad experiences), and I suddenly knew this was going to be one of those times.

"Do… do you want me to wake up Steve?"

"Too late." We both flipped around to look at the door. Steve was standing just inside the screen scowling, but I could also see the fear in his eyes. He looked straight at me, and I could read immediately what he was telling me: stay. He stepped outside, and I looked down at my feet. I tried not to look up as I heard his mom say what I somehow expected now. His father had gone for a drive after he'd kicked Steve out. There'd been an accident. He hadn't made it.

Her voice shook as she spoke, but Steve was standing completely still, and he registered absolutely no reaction that she seemed able to discern. But even though I was staring at my feet, I could feel the tension and misery radiating off him and wondered how long he'd be able to hold onto his shell. She finally finished talking, and abruptly, Steve turned and went back into the house. As Mrs. Randle and I stood looking at each other, mystified, he suddenly returned with his jacket. He glanced at me and said, "I'll talk to you later."

I nodded and then watched in amazement as he left with his mother. This was the last thing I'd expected. I sighed and went in to wake Darry and Pony. This was something they definitely needed to know.


	4. Chapter 4

When I walked back into the house, I sat down on the couch and stared at the blank screen of the television set. I didn't even realize what I was doing until about 15 minutes later when Darry wandered in and stopped short, staring at me in surprise.

"Soda? What are you doing up so early?"

I turned to look at him, and his expression changed from surprise to concern. He came over quickly and sat down next to me. "What happened?" he asked gently. "Are you ok?"

I nodded, but my heart wasn't in it. "Yeah… I guess… uh, Darry, Steve came here last night… he'd gotten into a fight with his dad, and he kicked him out, so I told him he could stay a while."

Darry nodded quickly. "Of course. That's fine. You know that."

I nodded and opened my mouth to continue but no words would come. Darry sat quietly. I think he knew there was more, but I could also tell he had no idea what to expect.

Finally, I just blurted it out. "Dar, Mrs. Randle came here this morning. After Steve left last night, his dad went out. There was an accident. He … " and while I still couldn't continue, now I didn't need to. To my horror, I could feel tears suddenly stinging my eyes. But I knew they had nothing to do with Steve's dad and everything to do with my own. Darry did too.

Without saying a word, he put his arm around me and just squeezed my shoulder. Neither of us looked at each other until I managed to get myself mostly under control. After what seemed like hours, I rubbed at my eyes fiercely and cleared my throat.

"I don't know what he'll do," I said hoarsely. "He's acting like he's fine, but shoot, Dar… you know Steve. Maybe you don't know him as well I do, but you know what this'll do to him. Even though his dad used to beat up on him… well, he still loved him."

Darry still had his arm around me, and now he turned me so I had to look at him.

"Soda, I know you want to help everyone, but listen to me for a minute, ok? The way you can help most is just by being there. Steve'll figure this out the same way we did… by living it. All he has to know to make this a little bit easier is that you're here for him, and that's something he does know. That I'm sure about."

I sighed. I knew Darry was right, but that didn't make this helpless feeling go away.

"I know," I mumbled. I glanced at the clock. "I should go to work early and let them know Steve won't be there. Will you let Pony know what happened when he gets up?"

Darry nodded. "And you'll talk to him later," he said, and I could hear in his voice what he didn't want to say… that talking to Pony was probably the only thing that would make me feel better about this. I knew otherwise.

"Thanks, Darry. Oh, and thanks for this. You know, you're getting to be almost as good at this as Dad was."

I hurried out before he could say anything else, but I caught the look in his eyes in the split second I looked back as I closed the door behind me. I was glad I'd said it.


	5. Chapter 5

When I got to the station that morning, I hesitated before going in. I didn't know how much Steve would want me to tell our boss about what had happened, so I settled on family emergency, took a deep breath, opened the door… and stopped in shock.

Steve was already there, leaning against the counter, and joking with some of the other guys. I walked in slowly and wondered if I had imagined the whole morning. Then he suddenly looked up, saw me, and I knew from the look I quickly caught in his eyes that none of it had been a dream. As much as he was clearly trying to hide it, it was suddenly very clear to me that my best friend was now living in his very own personal nightmare.

It was also very clear to me that he didn't want me to mention it, so I just joined the guys and got to work. If he wanted to talk, I had to figure he would. He sure as heck knew how to find me when he was ready.

Luckily for both of us, the morning was busy, and we had little time to think let alone talk. We had broken for lunch and were barely saying a word to each other when Steve suddenly mumbled, "Wake's going to be tomorrow. I'm just going to tell them here that I'm sick."

I looked at him in surprise but just nodded. I wondered how I would get the time off to go if Steve were going to say he was sick (and part of me even wondered if he'd even want anyone there), but then he muttered in an even lower voice, "and… and you're coming to all of it, right?"

"Of … of course," I said as quickly as I could. "What time?"

"2 – 5 and 7 – 9 tomorrow, and then the funeral will be the next day at 10 in the morning."

"Ok. We'll all be there for all of it. You know that, right?"

Steve nodded, staring down at the ground. "Yeah, I do. Thanks, Soda."

Before I could say another word, he stood up and walked back over to the pumps. I wasn't paying attention to the car that had just pulled up. If I had been, I'd have tried to get there first. As it was, I watched Steve's face turn white as he tried to pump gas as quickly as possible for a family of three… a father, a mother, and their son. That, in itself, would have been bad enough… but they were even driving the same car that Steve's dad had… and must have been driving last night. I was trying to keep an eye on Steve, but then another customer pulled in, so I had to get to work, which was why I didn't know that Steve had disappeared after that car until someone pointed it out to me. Actually, it was more like one of the guys said, "Hey, Soda, go find your friend, will you? We're short a man out here."

I looked around quickly, nodded, and then went inside. I figured he must have gone to use the bathrooms, but there was no one in there. I was standing in front of the station when it hit me. I glanced around to make sure no one else was watching to see where I went, and then I walked around the back of the DX and into the woods behind it. I'd gone only partway in when I heard the sound I'd been dreading but expecting… angry sobs. Steve doesn't usually get upset. He usually gets angry. And I knew that it would take him a long time to be able to deal with this without his usual level of fury.

I walked towards the sound cautiously, and then I saw him crouched on the ground behind some scraggly bushes. He was sobbing so hard that he didn't hear me, and I approached him as I would an injured animal… very carefully. He finally looked up when I was already kneeling next to him, and I could see from the look on his face that I was the only person he could tolerate at all right then.

I didn't say anything. I just sat with him until the storm passed, and then he finally let out a deep breath and wiped at his eyes roughly with the back of his sleeve.

"How'd you know I'd be here?" he asked. His voice was still strained, so knew it was my turn to talk.

I smiled sadly. "Steve, don't you remember? You found me out here when that guy drove up in the same car my parents used to drive. We seem to have the same reactions to that kind of thing… but at least mine wasn't the next day. I'm really sorry, man."

Steve just kind of nodded, let out an explosive breath and stood up, brushing off his jeans.

"Thanks, Soda. Let's go back."

I nodded. "Ok."

He wasn't ready to talk anymore than this... but at least I knew now that he would talk to me when he needed to. That was enough, at least, to make me feel better.


	6. Chapter 6

When I got home that afternoon, Darry was still at work, but Pony was there, and the two of us had the house to ourselves. He was sitting in the living room doing homework, and I plopped down in front of him, stretching my legs across the couch and his work.

"Soda," he complained with irritation in his voice. I didn't say a word. I just watched as he suddenly remembered what Darry had told him about Steve (and probably also about me), and he put his work down. His voice was much softer when he asked, "How are you?"

I sighed, shrugged and pushed myself further down onto the couch. Slinging my arm across my eyes, I said, "Steve came to work today."

"He did WHAT?" I could hear the shock in his Pony's voice, and I couldn't blame him. I felt the same way when I first walked into the DX. But then I'd understood, and I tried to explain it to Pony.

"He needed to pretend things were still normal. Remember doing that? When we would just get up and eat breakfast and go to school that whole week even when all we really wanted to do was stay in bed? Like if we pretended things were still the same, maybe they actually would be?"

Pony didn't answer, and I pulled my arm away from eyes to look at him. He was staring at me really seriously, and he said, "You've been thinking a lot about Mom and Dad today." It wasn't a question because if anyone can see right through me, it's my younger brother. I nodded and glanced sideways at the television, which unfortunately, was not on.

"Yeah," I said quickly. I didn't change the subject, but I didn't say anything else either, so after a little while, Pony asked "So how was Steve?"

I sighed and shrugged again. "It's complicated with him, you know? He was so upset and mad at his dad last night, and he would have been happy to never go back home. But then when he was at work with me today, this guy drove up in the car Steve's dad used to have, and he just lost it. I don't know what he's going to do."

Pony was staring at me. "Wait a second, Soda… Steve… Steve _Randle_ LOST it? You mean…?" He trailed off, and I just looked at him. I didn't have to answer him for him to understand what had happened, and his eyes widened. "Whoah," he mumbled under his breath.

"Pony, listen," I said quietly. "This is going to be harder for Steve than it was for us. I mean at least we knew Mom and Dad loved us. We didn't have to wonder about any of that, so we could just miss them. Steve has a whole lot to wonder about and figure out, and on top of all of that, he needs to realize that it's ok to miss him. So we're ALL going to need to just be there for whatever he needs, ok?"

Pony rolled his eyes. "Of course, Soda. I know that. I'm not a baby. Steve and I may not always be best buddies, but you know I'd do anything for him if he really needed it."

"Well, good," I said. Under my breath, I added, "Because he's really going to need all of us a whole lot." I didn't know if Pony would hear that, but he obviously had because he nodded at me.

"Yeah," he said, and from the look of sadness that crossed his face, I knew he was remembering Mom and Dad too. "I remember."


	7. Chapter 7

I woke up the next morning with a pit in my stomach. As much as I tried to deny it to myself, it was becoming increasingly clear to me that the more I thought about what Steve was going through, the more it reminded me of my own parents. This was not going to be an easy day… for either of us.

I went to the DX that morning. I figured I'd leave early and just tell my boss that I had a wake to go to. He didn't necessarily need to know whose it was. Pony was sleeping when I left because according to him, going to school to leave early just didn't make much sense. I couldn't argue with that even though Darry tried to. Darry'd also left early. He was doing the same thing I was.

It was clear that my boss wasn't happy to lose me on a day when Steve obviously hadn't come in either, but both of our reasons were pretty legitimate, so he scowled at 1:30 when I called a goodbye but said nothing, and I raced home. I still had to shower and change, so I could go to the wake and not look and smell like I'd just spent four hours surrounded by cars and oil.

Once I'd showered and gotten into the only suit I owned, I stood staring at myself in the fogged bathroom mirror. I couldn't see anything clearly, but that seemed just as much my fault as the steam. I wasn't seeing anything clearly these days. I felt like I was reliving one of the worst weeks of my life, but I knew I'd need to be careful not to let that show. I just had to be there for Steve… if only because I couldn't imagine that he'd let anyone else get close to him. I hoped I was wrong.

When I walked into the living room, Pony was sitting on the couch in his only suit, staring blankly at a commercial on television. I knew he wasn't seeing it, though. I sat down next to him and let out a huge sigh. Neither of us spoke until Darry walked in, adjusting his tie. The three of us looked at each other for a minute, and then Darry said in a low voice, "ready, you two?"

Without answering, we stood up and walked outside together. At least the sun was shining. It always seems to rain on days like these. None of us managed to speak on our way to a funeral home we knew only too well. I felt a chill go down my spine when Darry swung into the parking lot and settled into a parking spot that had come to feel like our own not very long ago.

We made our way inside slowly. None of us needed to say a word for the other two to know just how hard this was. We all felt the same way.

Walking into the back of the room, we saw Steve and his mom sitting in the first row. There were already some people there before us, and they were standing in front of them, blocking their view of the coffin. I was slightly relieved to see that it was closed, but that also brought a very unwelcome realization. Our parents' caskets had also been closed because the funeral home people couldn't erase the damage from the car accident enough to make them presentable. I could only imagine how bad Steve's dad must have looked.

The three of us exchanged another look and then forced ourselves to the front of the room. We joined the end of the line to pay our respects, and we knelt in front of the coffin briefly before returning to talk to Steve and Mrs. Randle.

Steve looked at us with something approaching relief, and I went to him first. I caught him in a brief hug… it was pretty clear that he wanted to keep it together, and he was afraid of what would happen if I hugged him for too long. I don't think he anticipated the effect that Darry could have, though.

This was something Pony and I had learned firsthand, but somehow I thought he could release emotions in us simply because he was our big brother. I don't know why I didn't realize just how much the other guys saw him as their big brother too.

Pony was already giving his condolences to Mrs. Randle, and I had turned to wait for them to sit when I realized what had happened. Darry had hugged Steve the way he normally would… and Steve just couldn't take it any more than Pony and I had been able to just months before. He was clinging to my brother, and his face was twisted in an effort at self control… but he was failing miserably. I walked back over to them, and Darry nodded at me for help, so we eased Steve out of the room.

We took him downstairs to the only place we knew that was remotely private in this horribly public place, and then we sat him down on the bench with the two of us on either side. Pony had stayed upstairs because Two-Bit had come in then … and he probably also knew Steve would be more comfortable with just me and Darry.

Comfortable might not be the right word, but whatever it was, he finally let himself really go for the first time since his mom had shown up at our house early the previous morning. Had it only been a day ago? My head whirled, but I kept my hand on Steve's shoulder, squeezing hard, giving him whatever I could of my own strength. All I had to reassure him was the knowledge that if I could be sitting here right now in one piece, he'd be there someday too. He was hunched over, his head in his hands and his shoulders shaking. He was quiet, though. That was the only measure of control he still had, and it hurt to hear his choked sobs, but I knew that the last thing he'd ever want to do would be to draw any more attention to himself.

I glanced at Darry over Steve's head, and he looked at me soberly. I could read it all in his eyes, and it made my heart sink. He was recognizing Steve's breakdown for exactly what it was… only the beginning.


	8. Chapter 8

When we got home that night, we were all completely exhausted. We had stayed at the wake until 5 and then had gone back for the later viewing as well. It had been ok up until the very end. After Steve had calmed down from first seeing us, he'd come back upstairs with me and Darry, and we'd all sat together at the front of the room until he was distracted by other people coming in. The first viewing ended without incident, and we all went to eat before the second one started.

Even the second one was going along ok until there was about 15 minutes left, and that's when the funeral home guy asked if either Steve or his mom wanted to them to open the coffin one last time. Steve's mom shook her head quickly. I never expected Steve to want anything like this, which was why I was shocked when he nodded slowly. The man in charge walked to the front of the room and asked if everyone would mind leaving so Steve could have this time to himself.

We all stood up, and we were halfway out of the room when I heard Steve's low voice.

"Soda, will you … will you stay?" His voice was almost plaintive, and even though this was the last place on earth I wanted to be, I could not bring myself to say no. I turned back, and as everyone else left, including Mrs. Randle, I took her seat at the end of the first row and just watched Steve. I tried to concentrate on the back of his head and not on what I could soon see once the guy opened the coffin.

I heard Steve's involuntary gasp, though, and was out of my seat before I realized what I was doing. I got to him in time as he started trembling and collapsed against me without even realizing what he was doing. I put my arm around him and looked straight ahead.

"Easy, buddy," I said softly. I never looked down into the casket, but I stayed with him for as long as he wanted, and after a few minutes, he took a deep breath and looked at me. The tears were streaming down his face, and his eyes were swollen.

"I didn't hate him," he said simply, and his voice shook. He shook his head, and I knew he was frustrated by his inability to control himself.

"I know," was all I said in response. "I know."

A few minutes later, he wiped his eyes furiously and sniffed.

"Ok," he said, and I knew he was ready to leave. I had started to walk to the back of the room when I realized he wasn't with me. I turned back, and he was staring at me with a dawning realization.

"Soda, I … I can't go out there looking like this."

I sighed, but I understood. It would be impossible not to merely glance at him to see just how hard he'd been crying.

"Come this way," I said softly. I knew all the back ways of this place as much as I wished I didn't. I led Steve out the back stairs, and as we walked out into the cool night air, we both let out deep breaths. We looked at each other, and Steve said,

"Soda, thanks. I don't know how I'd be doing this without you."

He bit his lip. The emotions were still awfully close to the surface for him, so I hugged him quickly. "Always, Steve," I muttered. We stood there for a few seconds longer, and then he broke away, his head down. I watched him walk home with a heavy heart and then went back in to rejoin my brothers. I knew they'd be wondering what had happened to me.


	9. Chapter 9

I thought I was ok when we got home. I thought Pony was ok too. I don't know why I didn't expect my brothers to be reliving everything just as much as I was. When we got back, Darry went straight to bed. I didn't blame him. I was planning on doing the exact same thing. What neither of us had planned on was being wakened from a sound sleep just a couple of hours later.

Pony was screaming bloody murder again, and I woke up in a cold sweat and grabbed him. He was shaking, and as I sat there with him practically huddled in my lap, trying to calm him down and taking some deep breaths myself, I heard Darry's pounding footsteps in the hallway. He appeared in the doorway, and we stared at each other over Pony's gasping form. Neither of us spoke, though, and Darry came in and sat on Pony's other side. By now, his shaking had started to calm down. I still had my arms around him, though, and Darry was rubbing his back. This was our routine when he'd first started having these nightmares, and we just slipped back into it as we waited for him to be ready to talk. It took less time this time, but he was in worse shape than I'd seen him in a while.

When he pulled back from us, I looked at his face and was surprised to see that his eyes were full of tears. By the end of the nightmares, he'd been pretty stoic, but this one had to have been pretty bad.

"What happened?" I asked gently. "Do you remember this time?"

To both of our surprise, he nodded. "Yeah. I do. We were … we were at Mom and Dad's funeral again. And the worst part was…" and here he sniffed and drew the back of his hand across his eyes as the tears started to flow for real. "Well, the worst part was that it was exactly the same as the real thing. And I knew that when I woke up, it wouldn't change. This wasn't a nightmare."

My throat had started to hurt when he'd started talking because it brought back everything I'd been trying to suppress all week. I couldn't look at him or Darry because I was starting to remember more than I wanted to.

And then I heard Darry whisper, "Pony, it's ok." He pulled him over, so he had his arm around him, and I heard him say, "We've all been thinking about them this week. Watching Steve go through this brings it all back. And being in that funeral home doesn't help either."

Pony sniffled. "Do you… do you remember when the wake started, and Johnny walked in and just started crying? That's the only time I remember him crying before he got jumped by the Soc's."

I let out a shaky breath. I didn't want to talk because I was afraid I would lose the little control I still had, but I couldn't stop myself from saying, "what I remember most is how upset Dally was. I never knew he cared about anyone until he stopped in front of mom's coffin. He was there a while, and I swear that when he got up, he was too choked up to talk." And here I choked on my own words and fell silent again.

None of us spoke for a few minutes. Then Pony said softly, "thanks, guys. I think I'm ready to go back to sleep."

Darry nodded, hugged Pony, tousled my hair, and went back to his room. I could hear his uneven breathing through the wall, though, and I wished he didn't feel like he had to be so strong for the two of us. But I knew he'd want to be alone, so I slid down again and threw an arm over Pony. He was shaking slightly, and I knew he was crying again, but I also knew he didn't want me to say anything, so I turned over and hid my face in my pillow to hide my own tears. I just hoped that the funeral would give us all a little bit of closure. This was the hardest it had been in a while.


	10. Chapter 10

Waking up the next morning was tough for all of us after our interrupted night of sleep, and we didn't talk much while we got ready to go to the funeral. I knew that the wake had been tough because that was the same funeral home where we'd had Mom and Dad's, but at least there was no visual reminder of them there. The funeral, on the other hand, was a whole other story. We had to go back to the cemetery. The same cemetery I couldn't bring myself to visit to see any of the people I loved… my mom, my dad, my friends… I didn't know how any of us were going to get through this day.

When we got there, Steve and his mom were already there along with his uncle, his aunt, and his two cousins. That was the extent of the Randle family. Two Bit showed up right behind us, and the four of us walked over to the plot together. Steve had his arm around his mom, and he looked very much like he didn't want anyone to talk to him. He glanced up when we approached, and I noticed that the muscle in his jaw twitched, but that was the only reaction I got. My brothers obviously got the same impression I did because we all instinctively hung back as everyone walked in closer to hear the priest.

The service was mercifully short, and when it ended, the only sound in the cemetery was Mrs. Randle's soft crying. She'd made it through the wake pretty much in one piece, but there's something about the reality of a cemetery that'll hit you if nothing else has. From the back of the small crowd, I watched Steve pull her into a hug, and she shook against him for a minute until she forced herself to calm down. Then she stepped back, touched his face, and then turned and walked past us to the car. Her brother, sister-in-law, and two nephews were all there waiting for her. Steve, on the other hand, didn't move. We were now there alone with him, and Darry motioned for me to say something, so I cleared my throat, and Steve looked at me, completely non-committal.

"Aren't you – aren't you going with her," I asked in sudden confusion as I realized that the car behind us was unexpectedly pulling away.

Steve shook his head. "Nah. I told them to go ahead without me and that I'd meet up with them back at the house. They needed to get back because one of our neighbors had offered to set up the food, but Mom didn't want to leave her alone there for too long."

I nodded. I didn't know what to say, suddenly, in the face of his composure, so we all lapsed back into silence. It didn't take long for any of us to realize, though, that Steve didn't want us there anymore either. He wanted to be alone… and it wasn't like there wasn't a place where the rest of us could go to wait. There were three places, in fact.

"We'll just…" I trailed off as Steve looked up at me, trying to force a polite smile but not succeeding. I motioned with my head. "We'll just be over there when you're ready. We can give you a ride if you want to leave when we do."

"Thanks," he said. "Maybe."

Nodding, we all moved off. I could sense Darry and Pony's misery as we headed in a direction that we knew so well but dreaded just as much. Two-Bit came along silently. He knew where we were going, and he belonged with us there too. Like we'd always known… everyone loved our parents. As we got closer to their headstones, though, I started to shiver. It wasn't a cold day, but I couldn't seem to stop myself. This was the last place on earth I wanted to be.

And then we were there. It took me a minute to register what I was reading, and then it hit me all over again the same way it did whenever I made the stupid decision to come back to this awful place. "Darryl and Diane Curtis." There were dates and other information there, but all I ever saw were their names. After that, my eyes played the same trick they always did no matter how prepared I thought I was to handle this. A lump the size of a golf ball was suddenly lodged in my throat, and my eyes started to burn with the tears I inexplicably felt I shouldn't be shedding. After all, if Steve could hold it together at his father's actual funeral, then why couldn't I do the same when my parents had died months ago? I couldn't talk, so I continued staring at the stones, pretending I didn't hear Pony's shuddering breath on one side of me and even Darry's sniffles on the other. I knew that it if I started crying, the two of them would lose any semblance of control they were currently trying to hold onto, so I kept my eyes straight ahead until Pony choked out, "I want to go see Johnny and Dally now."

I swallowed hard. This was all getting to be too much, and I was lucky when Darry and Two-Bit moved off with him. I figured I should go back and check on Steve anyway.

He wasn't in front of the grave. In fact, when I first got back, I thought he might have gone. But then I heard him. I turned in the direction of the sound, and I finally caught sight of him behind the tree that was a few hundred yards off. He was looking around it to the grave, so I knew he could see me, but then again, I wasn't so sure. He'd lost any of the composure he'd had that morning, and seeing his tears suddenly released my own. I stumbled over to him, not daring to speak, and when he suddenly realized I was standing in front of him, he took in the look in my own eyes and wailed, "I don't know how to do this," and then he sagged against me. I caught him, and we slid down so we were leaning against the tree, my arms around him, and we didn't talk. I just held onto him while he cried out all of the grief he still wasn't sure he was supposed to be feeling, and under the cover of his own sobs, I gave into mine as well.

When we finally calmed down, I wiped my eyes and realized that Darry, Pony, and Two-Bit were standing by the gates waiting for us. Their eyes were also red, and we all quickly got into the car before anyone walking by could get a good look at us. When it happens to us like this, it's not like we can help it… but it's also not like we want anyone else to see it either. I couldn't wait to be home. All I wanted to do was go to sleep and forget this day. It was the hardest one I'd had in a long time.


	11. Chapter 11

After the funeral, I thought things would start to get back to normal. I didn't realize just how wishful that thinking actually was. I'd either forgotten how hard the aftermath always is, or I'd tried to block it out. Either way, I wasn't prepared for Steve's appearance in our living room just two nights later.

I was watching TV alone for a change. Darry had gone to bed early (it was only 11), and Pony was finishing up some of his homework in the room we shared. None of the other guys were over, and I figured I'd just go to bed myself when this show ended, but then I heard the screen door bang. It was Steve, but this time he didn't have a black eye to hide. This time, he looked lost, lonely, confused, and desperately trying to hide all of that.

He walked in and sat down next to me without a word. I wanted to ask him why he was here and why he wasn't home with his mom … but I didn't. He'd tell me if he wanted to. Neither of us spoke for a good half hour. This wasn't too strange, though. We've had plenty of times when we just sat and watched t.v. without having to have a conversation. I had actually started to relax, thinking this just might be a regular visit, when Steve mumbled, "My mom didn't want me to leave."

I kept looking at the screen while I tried to think of an appropriate response. Finally I gave up.

"So why did you come?" I asked bluntly. I knew I wasn't being my usual sympathetic self, but something about this was really bugging me, and I couldn't for the life me figure out why.

Steve didn't answer for a few minutes, and then he said, "I couldn't take it there anymore. She… she won't stop crying, and I still don't know for sure how I feel about this whole thing. Like, I know he was my dad and all, but the night before he died, he punched me and threw me out of the house." His voice was getting angrier the more he went on, and he finally spat out, "why does he deserve for me and her to be sad for _him_? Soda, you know me. You knew him. He's the last person I should feel bad about."

I reached over, turned off the t.v., and then sat down so I was facing him. He'd been staring straight ahead, but I could see that his jaw was clenched, so I had some idea of how bad this night was going to be for him. He turned to me then, though. He wanted an answer.

"Steve," I said, "regardless of how much crap you went through with him, he was still your dad. No matter what else happened, I think you always hoped that there was a chance things could get better. Now they can't. You might not be mourning the man who died. You might miss the man you never got meet and the one he'll never have the chance to know... you."

I hadn't meant to do it. I never mean to do it. But I saw his eyes start to water as he quickly looked away. He whispered something that I didn't hear, so I asked him to repeat it.

He cleared his throat. "I said, you're right," he choked out. "I just want to know when it's going to stop hurting." He hunched over and buried his face in his hands. His shoulders started shaking, and I just sat beside him, leaving him be. For some reason, I felt no urge to put my arm around him this time. After a little while, he looked up, taking quivering breaths. He wiped his eyes with his sleeve, and then he said, "I'm sorry I keep dumping this all over you."

I shook my head. "Don't be. It's ok. I just think you should go back to your mom. She's alone there now."

He nodded slowly. "Yeah, you're probably right. I'll see you at the DX tomorrow."

He walked out the door with his hands shoved in his pockets and his head down but with his strut returning as soon as he hit the sidewalk. I sat alone in the living room, angry at Steve for the first time in years and having no idea why. I was still sitting there 20 minutes later when I heard Darry go into the kitchen for a glass of water. He must have noticed that the light was still on because he poked his head into the living room. When he saw the look on my face, though, he came all the way in.

"What's going on, little buddy?" he asked softly. He sat on the recliner and waited expectantly. I didn't know what to tell him, though. That I'm mad at Steve? That didn't seem fair. But that was what it was. So I told him what had happened that night.

"I told him to go home to his mom," I concluded. "I don't know how he could leave her in the first place," I added bitterly. I glanced at Darry then to see understanding dawning on his face.

"What?" I asked irritably.

"You're mad at him," he said quietly. I started. I didn't realize it was that obvious. It certainly wasn't that understandable.

I shrugged. "But why should I be mad at Steve?" I asked dully.

"Maybe because… because he doesn't realize that he still has something you don't."

I jerked my head up and looked at Darry then. He was smiling sadly at me, and it suddenly made sense. "His mom," I mumbled, and he nodded. I thought for the millionth time of how much easier all of this could have been for us if only one of our parents had been in that car. But no. We had to lose both at once. An unbearable loss. It didn't seem to me that Steve should be taking what he still had for granted.

I swallowed hard. "Yeah," I said. "He still has his mom."

"But Soda… he never had with either of his parents what we had with ours. I mean, yeah, he's lucky to still have his mom, but it's not the same for him like it would have been for us if we'd been able to keep one. And you know what we said… at least they were together, and at least we're together. Yes, Steve still has his mom. But I'd take you and Pony any day of the week."

I looked up at Darry, my eyes burning with tears. "You would?" I asked, my voice cracking.

He nodded, got up, and sat down next to me on the couch, folding me in his arms. I finally let it wash over me, and I buried my head in Darry's shoulder, feeling the tears seeping into his t-shirt. He said nothing, though. When I finally stopped, he looked at me, and I could see that his own eyes were wet, but he smiled crookedly.

"Feel any better?" he asked hoarsely. I nodded.

"Darry… I'd take you and Pony any day too. But thanks. Thanks for taking us."

He tried to keep the smile on his face, but his composure was finally starting to crack, and I realized it was my turn to do for him what he'd done for me so many countless times. I reached out to him, and for the first time in years, I felt Darry shake with silent sobs. He calmed down a lot faster than I had, though, and when he pulled back this time, his smile was for real.

"We're a good team, Soda. That's why we're going to be ok."

I knew he was right.


End file.
